Books and Barns: A Paean

The Book Barn is the place to be. Situated on the Connecticut shoreline, it is a store, hobby farm, and booming antiquarian book business all rolled into one cat fur-lined ball.

The Book Barn is, literally, a farmhouse with adjoining barns and book stalls all over the acre it sits on. There are cats lying, sitting, and walking around in every structure. During the summers pygmy goats laze in a pen next to the house. All year round about twenty barn cats roam from barn to barn. In the farmhouse there’s always free coffee and tiny powdered sugar donuts. It’s been a sanctuary for me for the past ten years. I have spent time there searching for books on my school reading lists and syllabi, for spirituality texts, for out-of-print fairy tale and folklore anthologies, for stuff to read on airplanes, for indie comics. I have sat for whole afternoons in the chilly attic, sharing a broken down couch with a barn cat, reading through books I’d never heard of like J.P. Donleavy’s The Unexpurgated Code, Kate Millett’s Sita, and Peter DeVries’ The Blood of the Lamb.

An education to be sure.

For the first few years, I brought my Milton professor from the University of Connecticut down with me. He was semi-retired and glad to get off campus and down to the shore. We visited the Barn for a couple hours, then sat in a Greek restaurant looking out over the Long Island Sound and talked about what we’d bought. Poetry and actors’ memoirs for him, and folklore for me. We’d go every six months or so. Later I went on my own more frequently, or brought friends with me. Sometimes I’d go twice a month–there’s an allure to the tiny place with it’s perfect situation near the ocean and the cute Scottish pub and the palm-reading shop next door.

-Jg6RSRBf_P-g6gvsl77Ls6r9ApbAbmMEKAqJDE8YjkOne of the best things about the Book Barn is that you can sell your books back to them. For every book I sold, they gave me either a little cash or store credit. There were flush seasons for me in which I’d buy thirty books at a time. There were other times when I had to move and couldn’t deal with the overwhelming library I’d amassed, so I performed a triage of sorts on my books and sold a box or two back. This worked so well that one summer about four years ago, I decided to sell my Baby-Sitters Club collection, all three hundred books.

I drove down to the shore and pulled the box out of my trunk and took my place in line. Many people came to sell on weekends and as was common, the line wound back in the parking lot. When it was my turn, I shoved my box onto the counter and stood back smiling at the owner, Randy. He knows me pretty well by now, I thought. He’ll probably give me fifty bucks for this! Randy frowned and called over one of his assistants. My heart sank. It was one of the savvy book-buyers, one I sometimes asked for recommendations. She peered into the box and shook her head.

“We have so much Baby Sitters Club already,” she said.

“But, everyone loves the Baby Sitters Club!” I said, winking. “I mean, who doesn’t love baby-sitting stories steeped in moral values from the eighties?”

She laughed. “I do. But we can’t even sell the ones we have.” She paused. “There’s a charity book drop at the children’s museum down the street. I don’t think there’s any resale value on these things.”

I sighed and turned away. But since I was there, and the day was sunny and warm, I threw the box in the back of my car and skipped back up the path to the house. Treacly baby-sitting fiction be damned, I was in my favorite place! Later that day I did throw the entire box into the charity book drop–there was no way I was bringing three hundred books back home.

I found a dog-eared first print copy of John Knowles’ A Separate Peace and a dollar paperback of The Light Princess and Other Tales.

“Score!” I said gleefully to a passing tabby. She stared at me for a moment as if to say, “Everyone scores here, it’s not that big of a deal,” and then she stalked away.

I went to another stall and skimmed through a Peanuts treasury. I squeezed past a father and son who were staring at a coffee table-sized golfing manual. Here’s a place, I thought—for the hundredth time, where anyone can find a book on anything that strikes their fancy.

I went to pay for my books and got in line at the register. I ate a powdered sugar donut and watched a family in line ahead of me. A preschool girl was showing her new (old) Lowly Worm book to her older sister. Both bent over it and grinned looking at the worm in the Tyrolean hat with his single boot on.

I smiled to myself. I was home. My tribe and my place, my coffee, cats, and books all around me.

 

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Elena bio YAH

What to wear to the mall

Moving South is unbecoming on me. Or it is my becoming. I’m not sure. For the first time in my life, I care about what I wear to the mall. I make sure to wear matching socks. I make sure I wear make-up. I make sure I have something not too wrinkled on. Sometimes. Most of the time.

I hate the mall.

Or I hate that the people at the mall from whom I am trying to buy goods treat me like I am from the wrong side of the tracks who has no business being in their shiny, ridiculously expensive store filled with things from origins unknown and created by unknown people. What factory did that sweater originate from? Asia? Central America? Do you think it came overseas on a ship and airplane, on a semi? Hello, salesperson, don’t ignore me! Oh, there she goes. She is ignoring me, again.

I live in Durham, North Carolina. It’s quirky, retro, and trying to relive the 90’s in hipster style. Think: the more tattoos and mohawks and vintage clothing the better. Local artisans, food trucks, and community gardens are where Durham pours its resources. It’s hip, it’s entrepreneurial, it’s grungy.

And I fit in. In fact, I’ve mastered the hipster grunge look. I am a mom of two young kids, so I’ve haven’t slept in five years. You might think the “she looks like she just got out of bed” was on purpose, but no. I probably forgot to brush my hair because I had to chase my daughter around the house in order to brush hers. Except when I go to the super suburban, high end shopping mall twenty minutes south of the gritty, brick, tobacco warehouses called Downtown Durham, then I try to brush my hair, brush my teeth, and wear my Sunday best.

I grew up outside the Washington, DC area where BRAINS were what always mattered, not whether you wore Lululemon or Kate Spade or Tory Burch. Growing up, I was told, “who you are” is more important than what you look like. And so I cower, when women at the make-up counter with flawless but obviously overdone makeup say things like,”I treat anybody who comes in here the same. No matter what they look like.”

IMG_3197Are you talking to me? What are you talking to me about? What impression am I giving you as I try to keep my four year old from trying on every single lip-gloss? Do I look like a strange hobo? Is there a reason you are pointing out your graciousness? Do I look that bad? I did not try on purpose. Honest. Umm, here, please take my hard earned money, and give me some tinted moisturizer for sensitive skin. Hush. Please don’t talk anymore. You are giving me a complex, over-dressed salesperson.

The mall makes me vain. It makes me feel inferior. Perhaps that is the marketing strategy: Make people feel so unfabulous that they have to buy fabulous, unnecessary objects to make them feel better. Except, I just I feel unworthy. The mall has become a place where I feel my unworthiness. And it’s unbecoming on me. I turn into a grouch, my neuroses and angst come out, then in defense I become a snob. They judge, so I judge. It’s a terrible game.

So I am here, on the border of the conservative south, where the mall is located, and a liberal academic town, where my favorite coffee shops, farmer’s markets, and community spaces are. In one, I am secure and know myself. In the other, I am puzzled by my insecurities and apparent weakness for vanity.

And then there is God.

I hear Him and his strong sturdy voice, reminding me He is the God of every place. He speaks, almost with a chuckle, “Child, you are my child. Let those microaggressions roll off your back. The mall is not my kingdom. It does not recognize you as I recognize you. I am the source of all you need. The mall, the mall is mammon. You don’t need to worship at its throne. Durham, Durham has it flaws, too. You know that. You know that the world is filled with people in need…of Me.”

And later, on the car ride home with my bags of materialistic items from China, Mexico and Haiti, I realize that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable at the mall. I should feel different. I should feel like an outsider and befuddled and an imposter. Because that is what I am. I was not made for that world—I don’t want it to “become me.”  And I don’t want Durham to “become me,” either.

I want something else to become me.

I want grace to become me. I want God’s grace to become me. I want to wear that no matter where I am, whether I am enjoying a beer with tatted friends or buying a pair shoes with people decked out in Burberry. God is the God of Comfort and Discomfort, and the power of His grace is found in the tension between them.

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Photo on 4-19-14 at 3.52 PM“What to Wear to the Mall” was written by Sarah Hudspeth. Sarah is a mom of two kids full of life and mischief, a wife of a grad student, and a middle school math teacher to students with learning needs. Coffee is her favorite, as are books, Twitter, and any day spent outside. Sarah lives in Durham, North Carolina, and eats extremely well due to food trucks, her garden, and the eat-everything-local movement.

Between here and there

Going home, for me, involves many of the cozy things you might expect—fires in the fireplace, my mom’s apple pie, snow falling outside the windows while we play board games late into the night. But for the past decade, being at my parents’ house in Michigan has also involved hours spent in a place where I feel least at home: Among the dying.

Yes, we’re all in the process of dying—we walk every day among the living and dying. But death feels so much more palpable and impossible to ignore in the nursing home where my grandmother lives. Grandma turned 100 in May, and is no longer strong enough to make it out of her button-controlled bed into a wheelchair and then into a car for the 15-mile trip to my parents’ house. All of our visiting with her now happens at the nursing home, where nothing smells right, sounds right, or feels at peace.

Last week we visited her on Thanksgiving, a piece of pie in hand to sweeten her day with a taste of home. Grandma was sitting in bed asleep, a spoon still in her hand and dots of bright, abstract chili splatters marking her “bib.” She still feeds herself (mostly, if she can stay awake), she still exercises, pedaling a bike-like device with her hands, and her mind is usually surprisingly sharp.nursinghomeroom

Still, Grandma is 100. It took us a while to wake her up enough to see a spark of recognition in her faded blue eyes, as my dad gently removed the spoon from her hand, dabbing at a bit of chili on her chin with a napkin dipped in her water glass.

As we chatted, we raised our voices to an unnatural level, allowing us to be heard above the TV on the other side of the curtain. At this volume, we were loud enough to attract the attention of Grandma’s roommate Leta, who is tireless in her attempts to get in on our conversation. Leta has Alzheimer’s, and while we hate being rude, engaging her is like opening Pandora’s box: There is no end, which only makes Grandma grouchy. We are her family, and she wants our full attention. We want to give it to her, too. Each time we end a visit, as I kiss Grandma’s cheek goodbye and smile into her eyes, I am forced to inwardly acknowledge this might be our last visit.

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I have never gotten comfortable with the idea of death. Of course, I have plenty of company in that place of discomfort, especially here in America. But even though my aversion to death is common, I’ve still always felt a certain amount of guilt about feeling this way.

The guilt, I suspect, mostly stems from being raised in the church, where there was a sense that, as Christians, we were supposed to “long for heaven”—that heaven was our true home, and God was our true father, and anyone who wasn’t praying for Jesus to return and whisk us all away (somewhere up in the sky with gold-paved streets) was probably not a true Christian.

While death is something I avert my eyes from, aging, so far, has been a good thing. I like being wiser and knowing better who I am with each year—feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin as time passes. I was surprised by how easily I embraced turning 40. It was a celebration of making it through so much and finding myself on the other side more whole and happy than I had ever been. But I assume there is a tipping point, a moment when growing older ceases to be an unfolding and begins to fold back in on itself—a realization that my body doesn’t work like it used to be, and that chronic pain has the power to eclipse joy.

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For now, though, my family is young and we carry that joy around in us, like a bright light that emits warmth for others to bask in. Taking that joy to my grandmother’s nursing home may not be fun or comfortable, but it is our responsibility, even as we long to shrink away from the sights, smells, and sounds of the old and dying.

carolingpicIt has become our tradition when we’re in Michigan for Christmas to sing carols up and down the halls of the nursing home, pushing Grandma in her wheelchair at the front of the parade, where she feels like queen for a day. When she was young—even well into her 70s—Grandma’s trained voice was a beautiful soprano, and she played the piano like a dream. Now, when her family is surrounding her, making music in four-part harmony, Grandma is as close to heaven as she will get on this earth.

We pause and sing for a while to a group of people sitting in the lobby just outside the dining hall. As we finish singing and turn to go, wishing them a Merry Christmas, several of the residents reach out to touch our hands—especially the hands of our three teenage daughters, so young and soft they seem to radiate goodness powerful enough to be contagious. Others seem to have forgotten us, lost in reverie. Their eyes are misty with tears, focused on a faraway spot that takes them beyond the nursing home, beyond place and time. Here, we are all out of place in our own ways, suspended somewhere between young and old, life and death, the now and the not yet.